Top 100 Reasons I Will Never Be A Hand Model

Ok, ok…the Pope is infallable, right. I, while being the son of god and all, am not. I forgot to blog like, umm all week. Hey-oh! Sorry, bout that. I’ve been taking a lot of walks. Doing party tricks for friends. And gettin’ inked. Gotta’ keep a social life ya’ know. But to all my millions of followers throughout this wide, wide world – and my six blog readers – I apologize. I gotta’ keep ya’ up to speed.

My latest run in with technology – since a lot of this bloggin’ stuff I’m finding is all about the tools you use, and the gadgets you buy, the n00bs you pwn I thought I’d fill you in… I finally saw this today:

(Click on the image link – it’s sweet.) Which of course – is the answer to the following question: “Is twitter down.” It used to status a “Yes” and “No”, but apparently twitter has been having hella-problems lately (even Jesus knows about scalability). I was watching Jonny’s Partay the other day under the screenname FooFeRoo and apparently pissed alot of people off, anyway Andy Carvin of NPR mentioned that every Tuesday they’ve tried to launch their new experimental uber-liberal-social-media-communist-oops-i-mean-community-building projects on twitter and that inadvertently Twitter goes down. Inadvertently my ass! Now, I’m no rocket scientist – although my puppet brain does contain a compendium of all knowledge of all things (omniscience is sweet at parties, I do that trick where I guess girls panty colors and it freaks em’ out – hott!) – but I can put two and two together. Andy, stop taking down Twitter.

Ok so this brings me to the top 100 reasons, I will never be a hand model.

Nuff said. Hey’-oh!

The Lord Thy Blogger.

The Many Manifestations of Me

There have been some really great renderings of my super sweet holy mug throughout time – paintings, sculptures, comic strips, tattoos – you name it. People have painted me in training (gotta’ keep the bod’ in shape – I mean it’s a temple, right?). I’ve been caught napping, swimmin’, and doing yoga when I was havin’ a real bad day. But I gotta’ say this guy takes the cake – he has captured my essence – fricken’ hella’ awesome.

An excerpt…

Jesus as a Muslim! Jesus as a pimp! Jesus as a junkie! A uniquely talented artist in NYC’s East Village holds forth at “Galeria DeLaVega”. 102 Saint Marks Place. (That’s ‘Galeria’ spelled with one ‘l’). His visions of Jesus are multiple, visionary, inspired and outrageously funny. Enjoy exploring his many manifestations of “JESUS AS”.

Check it out. Click to play.

Even Jesus Gets A Bad Case of the Mondays Once In A While

Hey-oh! And a happy holy Monday to you all. I had a blessed weekend. In case you all were wondering I work a straight five. I take off Friday evening through Saturday for Shabbos – yeah I totally need to get me a Shabbos goy. And I take Sunday off to preserve the Sabbath – cause I mean – who could be more Christian than Christ. Note: I did not say Xian. I’m really tired of all of this Xian, Xmas stuff. The only exception is if you’re trying to fit it into a tweet or somethin’. Then you totally have the JC stamp of approval.

Which brings me to the movie Dogma. Kevin Smith totally gets me. Nuff’ said. Which brings me to Alanis Morisette – seriously that song “Ironic”…those WERE NOT IRONIES. They were coincidences. Irony is: the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning: the irony of her reply, “How nice!” when I said I had to work all weekend.

So, I don’t want this to turn into Jesus’ Blog of Stuff that he bitches about. I mean if I were going to do that I’d just ask Loren Feldman to turn me into a puppet and – oh, wait – I am a puppet.

I preferred coming back this time around as a puppet as opposed to mankind for 2 reasons: cancer and poopin’. I don’t have to worry about either. Anyway, yeah…I don’t wanna’ be the kind of blogger who just finds easy targets – rips into them and has not much else to say besides that to back up my “status” as a blogger/video blogger/podcaster whatever. Loren – I know you’re not that angry. You’re really a big pussy cat. Give it up – and go give Shel a big hug. Seriously.

Jesus is a blogger, he also occasionally lays down a couple o bones on a pony or a ball game. People/Horses on Jesus’ shitlist: 1. Lebron james, c’mon if you’re going to speak in third person – win a game! I lost 4 large on that one. Jesus is not happy. 2. All of thoroughbred racing. Seriously, breeding used to be an art (no snickering – this is serious), now its a gimmick . Eight Belles break down was totally a predictable tragedy. Enough with the steroids, lets get back to sound breeding and horses that run more than 5 or 6 races – then off to stud. Rick Dutrow, I’ve got your number and its $70 million dollars. “Jesus Christ. Oh my God,” Dutrow said in an ESPN interview regarding his most recent win at the Preakness. I do NOT have your back on this, so please stop using my name in vain, and in interviews, and in the back rooms at Scores, and umm in general. I’m putting all of my money on two things 1) Casino Drive taking Big Brown at the Belmont and 2) Rick Dutrow blowing all his money on coke.

Hey’-oh!

Why am I blogging?

Because – like I said before – you all know how much I like the written word. And man oh man – I can type fast. With these holes in my hands I have virtually NO wind resistance. Seriously, and this goes out to everyone with a disability that finds ways to use it to their advantage…these things make for some wicked party tricks. For instance…when I’m driving down the highway with my friends and I put my hands out the window – if I hold them at just the right angle they make this really annoying high pitched whistling noise. Pretty cool. The only downside is that when people say, “Cover your eyes. No peeking.” Yeah, you get the idea.It’s not like you can surprise me anyways – omniscience is a pain like that. No surprises. Anyway – yeah so I feel like I have some things to share, some things to say…whether they have value or not is up to you – I mean its your eternal salvation in the balance. BTW – I hear NKOTB are touring. That is soooo awesome. I hope they re-release “The Right Stuff” – that is soooo my theme song.

Holla! Number one son. Number one post.

Hey all, son of god here and live on the web. Wow. Great to be here, really. So I’ve apparently got a LOT to learn about this blog stuff. You all know how much I love the written word, I mean since umm I published the MOST READ BOOK ever. Yeah, the Bible. That was mine. I’ve been approached about podcasting. Let me get this blogging thing down first though. Although I’m seriously considering hitting up this whole Seesmic thing – I’m so glad I made French people. They’re so funny. Also – Jesus loves himself some o’ that Can I Have a Cheezburger action. God damn I love kittens! Anyway, I think this will suffice for my first post. I tivo’d The View today – gotta go see what happened. Those chicks are craaaaaaazy.